Nothing At All

I knew that it would eventually happen. I live in a small town. There is one Wal-Mart and one grocery store. You can’t buy groceries or get gas or pretty much do anything without running into someone you know. That’s just how it is living in a small town. It’s expected.

And, knowing that it would eventually happen, I had prepared myself. I knew that one day I would be pushing my cart down the aisle getting groceries and I would run into him. Or I would be getting gas and look up and there he would be. Or the kids and I would be eating out and see him come in the restaurant with his children. And it would be awkward. And uncomfortable. Possibly even painful. But we would both be polite and say hello. And then just keep on going. Like normal people would do in an awkward, uncomfortable and painful situation.

At one time, I thought that I loved him. We were engaged to be married a few years ago. I know him well. I know how angry he was when we broke up. Angry because I wasn’t willing to fight for our relationship. Angry because I chose my children over him. Angry because I didn’t even want to talk about it. And angry because I simply walked away.

So I was surprised yesterday when I turned around and he was there. Not by some random coincidence where we simply ran into each other in this small town. I had prepared for that. What I hadn’t expected was that he would purposefully seek me out. I had never even considered it as a possibility.

He said he wanted to see me. That he wanted to try again. Not necessarily get serious, but at least see what might be there. And it was awkward. And uncomfortable. But not in the way I had prepared for. Because there he was. Putting himself out there. So intentionally. So unexpected. So unlike the prideful man I once knew. And I didn’t want to cause him any more pain.

I looked at this man who I had once loved. And something happened that I had not even considered preparing myself for. I felt …….. nothing. Not good nor bad. Simply nothing at all. I never thought that would happen. I was not prepared.